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Bryan Newell's   Mr. Wumpus Shrine
You might want to verify that you are seated before you begin reading this unabridged and incomplete short story written by my friend Ken Farrar. Also, if anyone is within, oh, I'd say 100 feet of you, please alert them now to expect loud crazy noises from whereever you happen to be reading this story from. God help you if you're in a public place.

Mr. Wumpus   by Ken Farrar
This story is Copyright 2001 Ken Farrar, all rights reserved. Reprinted with permission of the author.
"I think I will put cheese in my hair and wear a mashed-potato hat." This was Ken's first thought of the day as he was fixing his typical hot-lard-on-rice-cakes breakfast. This was what he had every day since he found out you got a free picture of the Quaker Guy with every package of rice cakes you bought. He was rather pleased with the way they easily stapled to the refrigerator. Plus Ken thought it was an extra smart purchase simply because, "It never hurts to be a little health conscious these days", and if that meant he was going to have to eat rice cakes every morning for breakfast, then that's what he was going to do.
It was almost 6:00 and the sun was glaring in his window sending light beams that Ken could feel cooking his skin. He hated the blinding light that the sun was casting, and wished that he had started cooking earlier so he wouldn't get burned. At this point he no longer thought that it was such a good investment to purchase those fancy panes of glass that made everything outside look bigger. Somehow things were just going to go better today, even though they started out as they do every day.
Ken ate breakfast on the east side of the house so that the sun wouldn't shine on him as it set. Afterwards he treated his burns with some butter he found under his couch. He loved those little packages of butter that you could get when you went to KFC, but this was a stick of butter, just as well. Ken carefully placed the rest of the butter where his roommate would not accidently step on it and get it all over the floor. Steven was particularly bad about stepping on things and getting them all over the floor, especially butter. The sun was almost touching the hills now and there wasn't going to be much daylight left. It was time to get things going, and get to work.
After he finished dressing he carefully wrapped the brick in the paper that he had prepared yesterday and headed to the door to put on his shoes. He then noticed that his shoes didn't match; as a matter of fact not only was one a different color but it seemed to be very new. He decided not to question it and put them on. Luckily before he left the house he realized that he smelled terrible and was in desperate need to take a shower. No problem, he still had a few minuets before he might be late. This was probably just what he needed to change the pace of his day after all.
Now that he was outside, he could appreciate the last bit of day before night set in. He still didn't have time to smell all the Roses; after all there were about two dozen all in the one place. So, he just waved to the rest who seemed to crowd together as if they were watching him go down the street. Ken never really understood the Roses, but they were from Mexico so he assumed that's just the way they lived.
He went to his car and removed the cardboard that he leaned up against it and got in. Every day Ken tried to start his car but it never worked. He thought someone had stolen his battery a few months ago because his hood had been missing for about as long as his car wasn't starting. He could never be to sure because he never walked around to that side of his car. This was not in his routine, and Ken was very routine. This is the part of the day that the Roses came in handy as friendly neighbors.
Lucky for him they were already on their way over to push him down his driveway and into the street. Ken greeted them with a smile and merrily grabbed the tequila bottle that was offered to him. (It was a bizarre trade that the Roses had with Ken, he had to drink the tequila until he got the worm, then he would get pushed.) This time the worm was stuck to the bottom of the bottle, as it seemed to be every day, and Ken had to drink the entire thing. But for this valiant effort he was rewarded a live chicken. He used to keep these chickens but realized that if he let them roam around the house they would inevitably be smeared in the carpet a few days later. Ken decided it would be best to find a new use for the flightless birds rather than confront Steven about smeared bird in the carpet.
Ken grasped the brick and put it in his lap then tossed the chicken in the back seat and put him in his seat belt. He then released the emergency brake and decided to name his chicken Mr. Wumpus and quickly wrote the name on his brick along with a few other notes before the Roses began pushing. This was going to be tricky (as it was every day) because he needed to make a sharp turn at the end of his up-hill driveway. As he approached it he knew he took the turn too sharp and he flew out of the car again. But he put the brick in front of his head and stopped the car before they had to call an ambulance... like the first time.
He then crawled into his car and thought to himself that his door came up missing about the same time his hood did. Before he began rolling down the street Ken checked to make sure he brought string. He then turned to say some soothing words to Mr. Wumpus, who was quite excited. Ken knew he would be, and fed him some now cold lard and rice cake that he had saved from breakfast.
Mr. Wumpus didn't eat all of his cold lard and rice cake as he noticed that it was soaking wet. Mr. Wumpus was also aware that the man who fed him this cardiac arrest on crumbs was also soaking wet and his clothes were stuck to him. Mr. Wumpus just shook his chicken head in disappointment that humans could sometimes be so stupid.
Ken popped the clutch and started down the gentle hill that his neighborhood resided on. Ken's eyes were still red, partly from just waking up and partly from dirt and gravel from nearly getting his head crushed. The day had just begun and it was almost pitch black. Ken hadn't noticed the difference in light, he was still partially blinded from cooking breakfast. Not to mention the fact that he was in deep thought. Deep thought about basic bodily functions. The tequila had finally started to set in and affect his ability to function as a normal person.
He had turned into a strange and odd thing. Ken seemed to be thinking feverishly about something stirring in his head, a rotten idea, but a really good idea. He remembered one of his old friends that he used to work with a long time ago, this brought out a little smile. This friend was not very nice to Ken. Not only was he not nice, but he was mean. It was at this point when Ken turned to Mr. Wumpus and uttered, " Misser Woompas! YOuuu CRaZsY Fuckin Feathherdded NO flyin WoRrm ETIN Craapnn in Dhe bak seet BRD!! Wheve got aShob to DO!!.".
By the time he turned back around he was back on the road again. In the wake of his "detour" he demolished a small garden, two bushes, an entire row of mailboxes, and left an angry man who was looking at his ficus tree that he was going to have to replant for the fifth time this week. Of course Ken was oblivious to this because he had no rear-view mirror. Another unexplained disappearance. He no longer cared, he was on a mission. The tension in the air was thick, and Mr. Wumpus could feel it
Mr. Wumpus was a little nervous, he was now aware that things just weren't looking good. Not only was he riding with a total drunken madman, but the car he was traveling in was a potential death trap. Plus the large amount of chicken feathers in the back seat that were not his own, got his imagination to run wild. Nor did he like the fact that his window was not down, but it had been busted out. He began to think about how he got into this mess to begin with.
Not all of Mr. Wumpus life was like this. He didn't really like to ride with strangers at all. As a matter of fact he really preferred to ride with his friends who also happened to be chickens. Although he did at one time date a flamingo, "not much on hygiene, but what a set of legs. YEOW!". They soon split up though, mainly because of the language barrier. Mr. Wumpus always figured that if he spoke people, he would most likely have human friends. Well anyway it didn't matter, because humans had to drive his friends around, most chickens just can't reach the pedals.
Unfortunately Mr. Wumpus had little time to reflect on his life, and the fact that he was tricked into living with the Roses in the first place. He was just staying there until he got accepted into the Air Force. It was his dream to fly in a combat mission over Turkey. In all honesty it's a secret goal of chickens; to take over Turkey and name it Chikurky. All they want is a little recognition. This is the main reason that there has never been a chicken as secretary of defence. But to get back to the point. Had Mr. Wumpus not been selected to be given to Ken he would have gotten that letter that was sent to him by the Air Force recruiter. It stated that because of a chickhood sickness known to chickens as Pox he was not going to be able to fly with the Air Force. Therefore Mr. Wumpus would have gone into civil aviation, and flown for Federal Eggspress. Where he and a crew, assembled in secrecy by Mr. Wumpus himself, would fly to a remote region in Jordan and amass an insertion team. The team would have eventually grown in strength and invaded Turkey, overthrowing the anti-chicken group and uniting the country.
As it happened Mr. Wumpus sits, strapped in the back of an old beat up Mercury Comet with a raging loon. And in a few years we will be eating a Thanksgiving chicken which was rationed to us by the United Nations of Turkey Lead Countries that Hate Chickens.
Mr. Wumpus did not realize that he was day dreaming until he felt a string around his neck tighten. Before he had a chance to react he was being pulled through air by a brick that was decorated with a white piece of paper that said: "HiWay Ray You Shit Eating Chicken Fucker! Have Fun With MR. WUMPAS !!!!!!"
Mr. Wumpus quickly understood that the majority of his life was setup to prepare him for this climactic end. Needless to say he was a little mad, and was shouting and waving his arms wildly. It was at this time that the brick that Mr. Wumpas was bound to went crashing through the last window (that was not boarded up) in the front of the small, and until most recently, window fronted house. This brought about a lot of flying glass which is not only very loud, but also very sharp.
Not many people have experienced the awkward struggle for life when a chickens head is removed from its body but it is a chaotic event that is certain to interrupt a poker game and drive a dog wild.
The dog instantly went through the new opening to the outside, carefully stepping over the frantic Mr. Wumpus. He charged directly at the beat up car and began snapping at Ken's exposed leg. Ken quickly shoved his left foot into the dogs mouth with a swift kick. While the dog was viciously tugging at the shoe, Ken began to feel a little queasy. Rather than hold things down he seized the moment and tossed a nicely aimed (but a little to the left) greased streak of rice vomit that spattered directly on the side of the dog. Ken then ripped at his foot and his shoe went flying off, sending the dog rolling backwards doing somersaults through the lawn and puke. Ken went spinning through car parts and bits of broken glass and mangled a perfectly nice yard that seemed to have been freshly tilled.
By this time Ray had jumped up from the poker table and grabbed the trusty 12 gauge. Ray bolted out the door and stood in the center of his yard taking careful aim at the old blue car that was tearing though his yard, and fired a round. This precision shot removed Ken's rear left fender. He was not phased, Ken simply stepped on the gas and screamed, "KEEP AN EYE ON THIS!", and shot Ray the bird as he smashed his tractor/mailbox, and sped of down the street laughing and screaming wildly.
Ray stood in his yard cursing about his last window for a couple of minutes until he noticed his dog feverishly attacking what was now just a piece of rubber and some string. He recognized it as a shoe and gave his dog a manly "good boy!" hug, it was then that he discovered the technicolor yawn that stained the side of his dog, who seemed to show no interest in that.
He went inside and decided to call it a day by marking off another square on his calendar, as he realized that tomorrow was going to be the 45th day in a row that he was having chicken for dinner.
About this time Steven was just waking up and seemed to be in an unusually cheerful mood. He seemed to have a special purpose today, as a matter of fact he said it out loud. "I seem to have a special purpose today". He decided that he would go ahead and get out of bed instead of getting that extra four hours of sleep.
He headed straight for the kitchen to grab a quick breakfast. Cereal, today Steven would have cereal. This was a strange meal for Steven to start with, mainly because he almost never ate cereal, but of course this was a special day that had purpose, so cereal it is! He grabbed the box of Super Sugar and Gasoline Puffs that was sitting in the window sill. Super Sugar and Gasoline Puffs claimed to have higher octane than Diesel Blast. But that didn't matter. What mattered to Steven was why in the world did the box have a hole directly through the center of the box. It seemed to have incinerated the middle of the box only.
Steven then developed a theory that would change science forever. It was the Spontaneous Combustion of Inanimate Objects Theory. This was the only way that Steven could explain the perfectly charred holes at the time. He immediately called a local laboratory and told them of his findings. They came rushing over to discuss his theory over a few bowls of Super Sugar and Gasoline Puffs. When they left the scientists decided to abandon their nearly complete universal antidote for every disease known to man. This they said was, "Really far out, and a good excuse to get the government to buy us Super Sugar and Gasoline Puffs." It wasn't until they left that Steven remembered the windows that Ken bought and how he was constantly burning himself by looking outside. Of course, Steven felt just a little too silly to call the lab and tell them what really happened. However it was later found out that when large poultry were exposed to visual flashes of a 75 kiloton nuclear bomb through a green filter at the rate of 100 frames per second during the television show My Three Sons it caused immediate explosions in the test group. Which is to later be credited for the liberation of the U.S.A. from the U.N.T.L.C.H.C.
Steven thought about what else he was going to do today. Read a book? Write a program? Join the Islamic religion? Steven decided to vaccuum the carpet. He thought this would be a good thing to do, as it had never been done in this house yet. Also Steven thought that this was a particularly good thing to do because vaccuuming the curtains and bed spread could be quite dangerous, and destructive. Now where did Ken keep the vaccuum, and did he even own one?
He found the vaccuum in the tool shed right behind the blender and next to one of the Roses children. Steven smiled at the child and asked how much longer it would take to finish fixing the lawnmower. The Roses girl explained that a part needed to be welded back on and it will might take some time to fix. "Well", said Steven "I wish I spoke spanish." Steven had never bothered to learn spanish as Ken had. (The Roses only spoke one language.) He was always a little envious of Ken for that. Whenever they visited the Roses Ken always talked to them, and Steven felt like an odd duck, having to talk to Ken, then Ken would tell the Roses, the Roses would respond and Ken would turn and give the reply. What he never realized was that, while the Roses were from Mexico they were Korean. Aparently Ken never paid any attention to this either because he only knew spanish.
Steven did a quick survey of the carpet and decided that it would be best to set whatever was too big for the vacuum on the furniture. After this was done he plugged in the vacuum and fired it up. Steven never realized that a vacuum cleaner made so much noise. Later he noticed that the only reason to plug it in was to start it up, as this appeared to be an internal combustion vacuum. Just as he was cleaning around Ken's favorite chair, Bryan came in and slammed the door. Steven turned his head to see who it was. He was glad it was Bryan and not an international terrorist lead by a crazed Jimmy Carter gone bad because he had a bad appearance on the Pat Sayjack Talk Show. Steven hated dealing with those kind of people. He gave Bryan a wave and shouted, "I'll be done in a minute."
As Steven had turned his head to see who was slamming the door, he did not notice the stick of butter fell from the ceiling, and he ran over it with the vacuum, smearing it into the floor. Ken would find the butter later. It would not upset him though, only confuse and amaze him.
Ken was almost at his office now and he finally realized that his lights were not on. He flicked the switch and resumed his drive in the dark. Earlier that month both headlights were mysteriously busted out. Just as well, he was already in his parking space now. As he looked through the parking lot, he noticed that there weren't many other cars in the lot of the 98 floor complex. He was almost never there when the parking lot was full. And that's the way he liked it, for more than one reason of course.
One of those reasons was that he could park closer to the building itself, and the other was overall there was alot more privacy. Ken needed privacy. His line of work was very demanding and since he had this job people were constantly interrupting him. It wasn't so bad, he thought, he really liked meeting the people he met, well half of them, or maybe less. Ken thought about it a little more and decided he just wasn't a people person at all, and that the only reason he was in his line of work was because of the pay, and probably the uniform, he had a cool uniform. Ken never really thought about doing anything else. After he was through here, he planned to retire. "Just one more year and I'll have enough money to live on for thousands of years, let alone the rest of my life". That's what he had been thinking for the past two months every day as he passed through the security gates.
Back at home Steven had set the vacuum cleaner outside hoping it would run out of gas, as he could not find a shut-off switch. He and Bryan were fixing to have a discussion about life and the universe when they got a phone call from the president of the hair club for men. The man seemed to be quite informative about the club and very willing to answer any questions. Bryan, who was not one to be flat out rude, told him that they were not interested, as they both had a full head of hair. This did not discourage him one bit. He insisted that one day they would be balding and want to get help in restoring their hair. Bryan, again very polite, said, "Well sir, we have no need for this product, at this time...". At that moment he was interupted by a screaming middle age man who was obviously very insecure about not only his, but everyone's hair. He shouted there was going to be an accident, a bad accident one day that would rob all men of their hair, and all womenkind would just laugh and make fun of innocent bald guys. He blamed Steven and Bryan for the future downfall and humiliation of mankind. Then he burst out in tears and said, "All I wanted was a wagon, a little red wagon with...". It was at this point that Bryan had all he could take, and hung up the phone.
Unfortunately for Bryan, his lack of pity was to count against him later in the week, as a representetive of the hair club for men would come out and shave his head while he was being forced to watch Kojack and Alice reruns. Lucky for Bryan he kept a spare head in the closet, something quite normal for those who new Bryan after the operation. The operation he had was for the removal of a wart on his nose, which he swears did not come from giving oral pleasure to toad anuses, as his friend used to claim. Oddly enough, the laser used in the surgery split a cell in his nose causing a mutation in which he grew another head on his nose. About a week later it just fell off and began ranting and raving. Ken was a witness to the whole event and was quite startled; as a matter of fact, it was Ken who first kicked the head across the room and into a wall. Then Bryan beat it about the head (partly because that's all it was--a head) with an atlas. When this was all over the head came to its senses and calmed down. Eventually it became just as rational as Bryan and looked just the same, except for the fact that Bryan did a better job of shaving the new head than he did his own.
Well after that was over, Steven asked "Hey, do you think it will rain today?"
Bryan's reply was,"I refuse to believe that you exist today!"
Steven took this as a no, and decided to look out the window. Funny that he chose that moment to do so, because they were all in for a big surprise. A quite unexpected surprise.
Now Steven, Ken, Bryan, Jason, and Daniel had all sat around before and mentioned at one time or another, life on other planets. But this was just too damn weird. Steven was simply too awe-struck to say anything to Bryan, who was rambling about how he was such a stupid fucker.
Bryan constantly bitched about how he made over one hundred thousand dollars a month and was still rushing to get to the bank on time before checks started to bounce. None of this mattered any more of course; there was a giant space ship in the shape of a oval-type saucer hovering directly over the lawn. The ship was, as best as Steven could tell by looking at it through one of his windows, about 300 yards long and about 75 yards high in the middle. The ship also made a very low pitch groan that seemed to be felt more than heard, felt in the chest more than anything. It was about this time that Bryan noticed it. As both of them were now mesmerized by the sheer might the ship seemed to have, they were both beamed up and taken quickly to a docking bay under the Pacific Ocean. Bryan, who had just gotten off work, knew what he was going to have to do.
Jason had been off work since around 11:00am and decided to call Steven to see what he did on his day off. Steven was a few miles under water at the moment Jason tried to call, so he just left a message on the machine and went about his day. Jason was very content in his life. He of the five was the only one to have any peace with himself at the time. Of course there was much for him to be happy about. He had a high paying job, a great wife, a big house, and it was filled with... well they were good kids for the most part. It's just maybe that they were too young to know how to make high grade explosives out of bleach, Pepsi, and twinkies, at least Ken always thought so. Especially after he nearly lost all of his teeth at snack time while he was baby-sitting.
Jason decided to call Daniel and see what he was doing. Daniel was counting the money he had left over from lunch, it came to about $793.83 which was, $6.17 less than what he started with that day. The $800.00 check that he cashed was the final of 12 monthly installments Ken owed him for the car that he bought from him last year. Daniel invited Jason and Ruth out to eat, but Jason couldn't go because Ken was working and couldn't baby-sit. Daniel decided to go over there and order pizza.
Daniel had a fool-proof scheme for ordering pizza and getting it with some loot to boot. It involved his well trained dog playing a stunning act of dead and Jason's too-intelligent-for-their-own-good children running about the yard crying like fools. Ken believes this is why the kids yell "Uncle Danny!" when Daniel walks in, and when he would walk in they moan, "Your shittin me? You came back, why?" Ken was convinced they were still bitter over the fact that he told them he killed Santa Clause, and then produced the suit (which he blasted with a shotgun for effect) to prove it. Ken also had the foot of the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairies upper plate of dentures, and phone number (with only two stars). However Ken would always make a point to remind the kids that the Boogie Man escaped from his trap, and if they ever saw him to call him (Ken) right away because the only thing worse than a Boogie Man was a wounded Boogie Man.
Jason and Ruth never paid much attention to Ken and his little stories. But the only thing about this ordeal was that it was partially true. Ken had lost all interest in the holidays after he and his last girlfriend split up, as she was Ms. Holiday Cheer. She was happy to see any holiday on the calendar at all. Unfortunately Ken had to call the men in white when Christmas came four times a year, along with five Easters, seven Fourth of July's, three Halloweens, and 25 gay and lesbian days. (Ken hated these decorations the most). Well, this was kind of a traumatic experience for him, as this woman was like all the other woman he dated, CRAZY! So, maybe he snapped a little. He attacked a bell ringer outside the mall, the ran in and bit the leg of a bunny in the pet store, then before he was caught he ripped the teeth out of a gay dentist's mouth.
As for the Boogie man well, Ken was kind of interested in the Boogie man, but it was nothing like setting traps for him, or locking the closet extra tight. No, nothing like that at all. As a matter of fact Ken really wanted to confront the Boogie Man, he was very curious about how one goes about "boogi-ing" and mass terror.
Ken had finally made it up to the top floor and punched in for work. He went back into his locker and got out his uniform. He had been one of the last people on his shift to show up. Ken knew that most of the people that he worked with were good people but he couldn't shake the feeling that, by working the night shift, he got stuck with some of the strange crew. Like Super Freak or Rabid Man, even Ugly Man they all seemed a little odd to be protecting the streets. They all paraded around like they were the idols of children, saviors of the planet, and do-gooders to the universe. Ken was a realist he knew who he was, he was Ken and even under his uniform, he was still Ken. It was time for Ken to give out the assignments for the day and the nightly pep talk, man did he wish he wasn't still a little drunk.
This was the third year of the Super Heros In Town Helping Our Lives Excel program (other wise known as S.H.I.T.H.O.L.E.). It was setup after a massive crime wave swept through town and left the police baffled and helpless. It was then that a lone man who saw too much went on a rampage, destroying crime and exposing the corruption in the police department within one week. After that the town deemed him a Super Hero and begged him to hire people who stood for the same things as he did to help protect the streets. Being out of a job and also being offered a giant sum of money he agreed. The police department was disbanded and thrown out of town, and S.H.I.T.H.O.L.E. was born. This was the day the town changed and the day Ken became... URBAN NINJA!
Ken stood in front of his open locker and peered at the contents. "Another day another dollar" passed through his head. Today he was patroling the rough part of town alone. He usually assigned "Heroes" to work this part in pairs, but due to his so called expertise in the field he chose to work alone. Partly because he did know what he was doing, and partly because when he assigned this area to his co-workers on this shift they usally depleted the supply room of bandages. He reached for his uniform with one hand and began to undress with the other.
He sat in front of his locker loading a frightenly large gun. Donned in a blood red suit that made his head look large due to the motorcycle helmet he wore underneath, he was battle ready. Ken took a last look in the mirror before heading out to the stall to mount his ride through the dark alleys. It was then that he realized how much one can grow attached to a work animal...
It took some time before people accepted the fact that the "baddest hero in town" rode a goat. Especially one named "Goat". But it wasn't long before people realized that this was not any ordinary dumb goat. Goat was an execptional worker Ken purchased from an old shepard known only as Ten Fingers and a Thumb. Ken called him "Lucky" as he always bragged about getting laid, but talked about women. Ken fed Goat some of his mashed potato and cheese hat that he wore into work, and they rode off into the rough side of town.
When Steven and Bryan first realized what they were up against was probaly when they saw exactly what they were up against. Which was a green, fat bodied alien, mostly humanoid, with the execption of three eyes mounted on ten inch "stems" on top of its head, along with a snorkle-like mouth and no noticeable nose. It was also appearant that they were not in the kindest of company by the phaser-looking device that was pointed at them by the four greeters in what was assumed to be the teleport room. They were quickly escorted to the command center to meet with the leader of this base.
to be continued...